October 27, 2012
The Professor Concedes He Knew, After The First Day, That Gilligan’s Island Was Actually A Peninsula 0
Bainbridge Island, WA - 87 year old Russell Johnson, who played the part of The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, has finally come forward to confirm a rumor that has been contended for years. Johnson admitted, Friday, that he was aware that Gilligan’s Island was no island at all. Five years ago, real scientists discovered that Gilligan’s Island was in fact a peninsula. Johnson has always denied that he knew of the land route to safety.
“Yes, I knew from day one that it was not an island,” confirmed Johnson. “After we were washed ashore, we all headed out to explore for escape routes. I walked across a small land mass and came upon what appeared to be an all-inclusive resort. Some asshole made fun of me wearing a long sleeved Oxford shirt on a 90 degree day. I turned right back around and reported to my fellow castaways that I had found nothing. I know it was wrong. But you have to understand, I was the smartest one in that group of boobs. On the mainland I was just a nerdy guy who got bullied but after the shipwreck I was a legit scientist. And did you take a look at Mary Ann and Ginger? I finally would have a real shot with some hot women. I planned to tell everyone about the escape route later but I guess things just sort of got out of hand. The longer we were there the more desperate the women got. I am not one to kiss and tell but let’s just say I will never look at a coconut the same way again. It got a little crazy at times but I would never give up or regret my time with the fearless crew of The Minnow. I’m coming clean now because everyone needs to know that I deceived them. At this point I don’t really care about any ridicule or backlash. I’m 87 years old. Kill me. Throw me in jail. I don’t give a shit anymore.”
Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on the show, responded venomously to Johnson’s admission. “I’m not that surprised really,” said Wells. “This nerd made all of these contraptions that were supposed to save us but he couldn’t even plug the hole in our fucking boat. We should have known right there but we all wanted to trust each other. We were all we had. I won’t kiss and tell either but Russell’s experience with a coconut was a solo mission. Unfortunately, I witnessed the entire thing and I, too, will never look at a coconut the same way ever again. It’s the first day since Gilligan’s death that I’m glad he’s dead. We would have gone apeshit over this and murdered The Professor. Not many people know this but sweet Gilligan had a personality disorder and a wicked bad temper. It’s all such a shame. Really, a shame.”
Reruns of the show continue to show up on various television outlets. Popularity, however, has dropped off considerably with viewers saying, “It just doesn’t seem as realisitic as it did before we knew some of the things we know today.”