November 9, 2012
Chicago, IL – Indra K. Nooyl, CEO of PepsiCo, announced this morning in downtown Chicago one of their most aggressive undertakings as a company to date. The bottler of Aquafina pure water has solidified plans to buy, drain, and refill Lake Michigan with the Aquafina brand purified water. All components of the deal have not yet been released but it has been reported that PepsiCo will pay in the neighborhood of 550 billion dollars for the lake.
“It is an extremely complex transaction that we have been working on for close to 6 years now,” said Nooyl. ”As complicated as it was, we chose Lake Michigan because it is the only Great Lake that is located entirely in the United States. Bringing Canada into this deal would have just been too tough. We’ve worked closely with 4 different states but Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has been our trusted liaison throughout. In short, we will start the draining process in April of 2013. We will need to get rid of all of the fish or they would contaminate our pure Aquafina water. Each town along Lake Michigan will be treated to a free fish boil in May of 2013 to kick off Spring and the wish for a great harvest. We will drain all of our aquifers and fill Lake Michigan with our beautiful pure water. All of the drained water will be used for filler in our other not as pure products such as the Gatorade, Tropicana, and Pepsi drinks. A giant Cellophane tarp will be pulled over the newly named, Lake Aquafina, to seal in freshness and purity. There will be no more swimming, boating, or fishing allowed. Sorry folks. We are confident this will be a small price to pay for having such a large pure water source and the beauty this clear water will bring to surrounding communities. And, hell, there’s always Minnesota close by. You know, the land of 10,000 lakes? That’s all we’re prepared to comment on at this time but further exciting details will be forthcoming.”
Upon hearing the news, one Chicago resident said, “As long as I keep getting my Code Red Mountain Dew I don’t give a shit what they do.” A Milwaukee resident noted, “I don’t like that I can’t fish there anymore. But I trust our Mayor will do the right thing for us. We’ll just see how it goes, I guess. Hey, where are we going to dump our sewage now?” Traverse City, Michigan natives don’t seem to be taking it in stride like some others. They immediately called upon PETA, who is reporting that there is evidence that the Coho Salmon has shown high functioning brain activity and the killing of all of these fish would be ‘largest and most grotesque piscicide on record.’
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel had this to say. ”Sure, we know and we knew this would get ugly. I don’t know if it will really happen or not. I support it. You ever had a $550 billion dollar bill waved in front of your face? Oh, you’d support it too. You would. Trust me.”