Lake Oswego, OR – Well that didn’t take long! Just when Americans started to feel some comfort and numbness to automatic rifle school shootings, now there is a new disturbing trend emerging.
Monday afternoon at about 11:09am local time, several former students from River Grove Elementary School opened fire on hundreds unsuspecting kids. Police say the assault lasted only about 10 minutes but that was more than enough time to traumatize yet another community.
“My son wasn’t even wearing rain gear,” commented one angry father. “I don’t know what kids are smoking these days but my boy will not be subjected to this any more. We’re going to homeschool him. If administrators can’t keep water gun toting little bitches from carrying out these atrocities then it’s time to take some power back. What’s next? Will they drape bras over everyone’s head? It’s a sickening tragedy. I’m almost sorry I subjected my son to this awful world.”
“I heard they posted their plans on snapchat,” alerted another concerned parent. “I’m not even sure what that is but someone had to see it, right? My poor 10 year old has already told me she’s not ever going to our lake house again. Viewing all that water would be too much for her. We might have to sell our vacation home now, for god’s sake! And the market is not going to yield us the profit we’d planned on.”
It is the first such water shooting of it’s kind that we’re aware of but copycat fanatics have already posted on the dark inter web that next time hot water may even be used. Police have briefed residents of this once sleepy town, letting them know that further water projectile events should not be of immediate concern. A candlelight vigil will be held this Thursday evening for the many kids who either pulled muscles while running away or had shirts and pants smudged so badly by the water that they will never be worn again.
President Trump could not be reached for comment but is said to be praying heavily for all of the victims. Grief counselors will be at the school all week.