#Jan20MovingDay was the cryptic message sent out by President-elect Donald Trump this morning. Many assumed this just meant Trump was referencing Inauguration Day as his official leap into the head seat at the White House. As he has done many times during his campaign, Trump threw us all a curve ball like only he can do.
Trump spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, clarified the hashtag for ‘brainwashed Obama supporters.’ “President Trump will not be attending his own inauguration,” relayed Pierson. “President Trump has always done things his way and January 20th will be no exception. Due to recent fake news reporting around his ties to Russia and CNN just being a generally incompetent garbage publication, President Trump will be boycotting. Although he is wealthy beyond comprehension, the fine man we will now call our leader does have traditions when he and his family move. So this will actually work out quite well. The U-Haul trucks will arrive early to the White House and the family will unload items and bond as a family. They usually move things for about 15 minutes and then head to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast while staffers complete the move. The rest of the day is classified so no questions will be fielded on this matter.”
Pierson did confirm that Mike and Karen Pence will attend the ceremony without President Trump. It is also being widely reported that actor Owen Wilson will step in on behalf of Trump to take the oath of the presidency. It’s unclear whether this will actually make Wilson President of the United States for a short period of time or not. His representatives were not immediately available for comment. It has been verified that Wilson has taken a leave of absence from his current acting venture as an evil cartoon porpoise in Zoolander 3. So there may be some teeth to this story after all.
You can count on MouthFrog reporters being on the scene January 20th to bring you that latest. The DC Cannabis Coalition will, after all, be distributing free weed to those in attendance. But hide your joints carefully folks. Jeff Sessions, Trump’s pick for attorney general, is said to be looking to arrest as many ‘joint smoking hippies’ as possible so he and Mike Pompeo can try out some new waterboarding torture techniques.