Denver, CO – Gerald Buckhalter’s family did not expect to be planning his funeral today. The 32 year old park ranger swallowed three cyanide pills this morning and took his own life. The only evidence left behind is a voicemail that Gerald left for his friend at 8:43am. It was quickly released by police so further such incidents could be avoided.
Monica, I thought we were supposed to go jogging together in just a few minutes. I can only assume, since you are not picking up your phone that you are dead and the world has indeed ended. I always sort of thought the Mayans would be right about the apocalypse but I never wanted to face it or believe it. I’ve secretly fallen in love with you over these past 3 years. I know you won’t get this but I needed to get it off my chest, even if it’s to the voicemail system of an empty world that will never hear me. I hope that we find each other again at some point in time out there in the galaxies. Oh, and that mole on your nose never made you look like Broom-Hilda the Witch. Don’t you ever forget that. Ok, well, I’m gonna get going now. Uh, maybe we’ll see each other again some time or something. Bye.
“Gerald was no dummy,” contests his grave-stricken mother. “They don’t just trust anyone to walk around our parks and talk to visitors about stuff. This is just so shocking and so sudden. Gerald was a good boy. I guess we just all took for granted that everyone was taking this whole ‘end of the world’ thing with a grain of salt. Poor Gerald was a little gullible I guess. I blame the news and I blame the Internet for this tragedy. And the government too. How could all of this hullabaloo been allowed to happen? Walter Cronkite reported the facts. What the hell happened to all of that shit? You know, this world is coming to an end but just slower than Gerald thought. All of these lies and manipulations will destroy us. Gerald just got out before it all got too ugly. Yeah, he’s the smart one in all of this. Be damned, the rest of you, and burn at the gates of hell for what you’ve done.”
As of now, there are no other confirmed reports of signs that the world is ending. There are also no other reports of anyone taking their own life in the manner that Gerald did. One expert researcher, who has dedicated her life to studying when the apocalypse will occur, agrees with Gerald’s mother. “Gerald either knew a lot more than the rest of us, or he knew a lot less. Only time will tell.”