Three Paris McDonald’s Locations Robbed: All Police Busy Removing City Christmas Lights

December 29, 2015 • Dumbass of the Week, Events, Features, Life, Travel, Worthy News

Paris – For anyone that was not able to be in Paris during the holiday season to see the exquisite lights, shame on you.  How long are you going to let yourself be the poor bastard that doesn’t treat yourself to the very best in the world?  Well, this reporter was there and I wish that I was able to do an exposé on the lovely prom queen that is Paris.  Unfortunately, like many stories, this one is about a band of criminals taking trust and shoving into a garbage dump.

Three different McDonald’s restaurants were brutally robbed this past Monday.  The damages are still being calculated but needless to say, all Parisians are feeling violated.  “We make sure to do two things every time we visit Paris,” commented Canadian couple Roy and Susan Waterstone.  “We visit the Louvre for the art and McDonald’s, well, for the art.  This has been a terrible shock to everyone here on so many levels.”

Police director-general, Claude Baland, did not mince words when giving an update on the incident.  “The cost of this invasion cannot be measured in euros.  The money can be replaced.  The thieves got away with about 14,000 euros but they also stole every Croque McDo and Camembert Premiere from each location.  It takes time to re-make these delicacies and get the ingredients back to these stores.  We may not be able to sell these items again for days.  It’s quite possibly the most sickening crime I have seen in my 23 years on the force.  Think of the children going to school that may not be able to start their day off with a Croque McDo.  The cold-hearted bastards we are dealing with here are a new type of criminal.  A new type of evil that I have personally only seen in comic books.  Justice will be swift and potent when we find these deranged crooks.”

Baland believes that the perpetrators are either American or Italian gypsies and may be part of a much bigger terrorist cell looking to knock over international McDonald’s all over the world.  All Parisian police were given the night off from working to take down Christmas lights on the Champs Elysees when the multiple robberies occurred.  “In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea to announce that all of our police force would be off duty at one time,” continues Baland.  “Trust just got shoved up my ass.  And shoved up yours.  This is no longer the Gay Parie I knew as a boy, growing up in this city of art and love.  Gay Parie has been shoved up all of our asses today.  I just hope that we can recapture it someday.”

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