Ponte Vedra Beach, FL – PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem is well liked by players and has helped to create more and more millionaires. Finchem is looking to take the game of golf to new heights and knows there are some significant hurdles in his way.
“The players today hit the ball so damned far that the modern day courses are getting too easy for them. We’ve extended the length of several courses to try and help this problem but we only have so much land to work with. I don’t mind clearing out more acres of land and squashing the habitat of deer, gators, or other pesky rodents. That’s not the issue. Nobody cares about that. Our golf fans want to better relate to our players. They want to see them have the same struggles that they do on the golf course. Being the innovative thinker that I am, I have made a proposal to myself to bring putt putt greens to our existing courses to make them more challenging. I promptly approved my own request. Can you imagine Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson having to take the side exit of the windmill because they can’t get it past the quickly revolving blades? Now that’s entertainment! The windmill will be our staple and our primary test case. However, I’ve got plans for giant clown heads that laugh at you when you miss rolling it up the tongue. We’re still deciding whether or not to have bumpers and big rocks on the greens with holes in the middle of them that you can hit through. Each player will have to choose a different colored ball when they get to the green and they will all have to share the same $3 dollar putter. We’re all extremely excited about this new direction for the PGA Tour.”
Players did not seem to be quite as excited as Mr. Finchem. Several players had things to say but none would agree to go officially on record. A few of their quotes included, “Has this guy lost his marbles?” “Who gets to choose the ball color? I want the blue ball. Can I use that one every time or do I have to switch?” “Do I get a free round if I make a hole in one on the last hole? This is ludicrous. I will quit the tour if this happens and go back into insurance sales.”
Finchem had hoped to implement this a bit sooner but indicated that many of the existing windmills out there need significant repair. Finchem is personally building the clown face contraption in his garage. He’s not very handy so that one is going to take awhile.