Fort Smith, AR – Miles Yorkman is an eccentric philanthropist who likes to sit naked on his front lawn and think about different ways he can help people. He is a multi-millionaire who won a $407 million powerball jackpot last year. Neighbors are not thrilled by Yorkman’s odd behavior but they know he helps a lot of people so they choose to look the other way.
Yorkman was sitting out on his favorite lawn chair recently, waiting to give the mailman his daily thrill, when something occurred to him. Why is he sitting there naked wasting time thinking of things when he could be raising money right from his front lawn? The fully aroused naked man charged into his house, put on some pants, a wife-beater shirt, and reached out to a few contacts to discuss his idea. Yorkman proposed to Hardee’s marketing executives that he would eat hundreds of their fried bologna biscuits. The fast food icon would be asked to donate free biscuits and $100 for every biscuit he was able to eat over the course of 1 week. All proceeds would be donated to the American Heart Association. Hardee’s officials quickly agreed.
A Hardee’s grease dump truck, headed for the gulf coast to unload its contents, was called back to to the ‘State Where People Rule’ immediately. The massive vehicle delivered 1000 Hardee’s fried bologna biscuits onto Miles Yorkman’s lawn. The naked Yorkman enjoyed biscuit after biscuit. He slept in his chair and did not get up to take a bathroom break for nearly four days. Incredibly, he ate 421 biscuits. Yorkman and Hardee’s presented one of those big giant checks to the American Heart Association for $42,100.
Sadly, Mr. Yorkman had to be immediately rushed to the hospital at the check ceremony. He was complaining about stomach pain and not being able to go to the bathroom. Yorkman’s stomach had to be pumped after it was revealed that he had a blood grease content of .33%. Doctors described Yorkman’s grease levels as being at ‘lethal levels’ but believed he would make at least an 80% recovery to full health.
Yorkman released a written statement from a local hospital.
I am ok. My mustache has fallen off and I still don’t have feeling in my left leg, but doctors assure me that things could potentially get better. I sit here naked as I write this note to everyone, so all is not lost. I risked my life to save the lives of others. That’s what lottery winners do. I’m not special. And a huge thank you to Hardee’s and their generous donations to our cause. I recommend their fried bologna biscuits very highly. If you happen to eat a large quantity at one time, I’ll caution you that the first 300 or so slide down your throat deliciously. Hallucinations may start to take place after that. When I recover, I’m off to L.A. to get beaten up by some gang bangers there. Proceeds will benefit disadvantaged youths. More to come…