The sexy rumor this week is that lovers Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed a brand new baby boy into the world. Family members are being coy about the entire subject, though they have hinted enough through Twitter that it seems to be a pretty sure bet. We could bore you with a sweet little story about “Saint,” his adorable face looking out from his incubator just waiting to be held by her new loving parents. Or we could talk about how Las Vegas is putting an over under bet on when this kid will be fucked up beyond repair (which by the way is currently at 6 years old). Our sources, however, have told us a very different story that the mainstream media will not tell you.
According to several conspiracy theory sources, Kardashian has been carrying the seed of something extremely evil. Worse than Kanye West. Yes, even worse than him. Many scientists believe Kardashian’s baby could be a distant cousin to The Devil himself. Unconfirmed reports, meaning some lady we talked to on the street, indicate that Kardashian’s water breaking was ‘anything but normal.’
“I was walking by her on the street,” says this street lady who claims to be a palm reader, clairvoyant, and an actress. “You couldn’t miss her. She was wearing this grey form fitting thing that sort of made her look like a humpback whale. But more like if a whale had mated with a dinosaur or something. Anyway, she was walking across the concrete sidewalk when her water broke. I felt terrible for her, having this happen in such a public setting, so I rushed over to help her. The bitch kept moving like nothing had happened but the fluid that came out of her created a massive sinkhole in the pavement. It just ate away at the pavement like sulphuric acid or something. Two of her bodyguards were engulfed. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
The street woman called 911 and a team of expert HAZMAT specialists were called to the peculiar sinkhole. Chief Reginald Boiken, now missing, was able to muster an opinion before his believed abduction. “This embryonic juice is beyond toxic,” alarmed the now missing and probably dead Chief Boiken. “There are compounds within Kardashian’s juice so hazardous and confusing that I cannot even pronounce them. I can only put this one way. Think about if Area 51, ISIS and The Joker had a threesome and it resulted in a baby. God help us all.”
West and Kardashian put out a joint statement to address the disturbing rumors about Kim’s pregnancy and the new baby they’re calling Saint. The press release simply drew from a portion of the lyrics from West’s previously released song called New Slaves. “You see there’s leaders and there’s followers. But I’d rather be a dick than a swallower.”
Operatives are working to decode this message to determine if it can truly be taken at face value or if there is some giant catastrophe in our future that we need to be aware of.