Han Solo Reports Bermuda Triangle Looks Much More Like A Hexagon

December 17, 2015 • Events, Features, General, Life, Technology, Travel, Worthy News

Ever since the war to take down the Galactic Empire ended, Han Solo and his trusty co-pilot Chewbacca have been scrounging around for work.  Although there is finally a new Star Wars movie coming out, the Canadian military commissioned the two well respected pilots to test some planes similar to TIE fighters that were popular during that era.  The reasons for such test missions are classified but it is presumed that Canada will, at some point soon, plan on an invasion of Greenland.  Solo and Chewy were flying a mission down south when they came upon the famed Bermuda Triangle.

“We’re not exactly sure where we were,” offers Solo.  “We’d been drinking a little that morning and that area can really get you discombobulated.  The one thing we were both sure of is that the Bermuda Triangle is no triangle at all.  Chewy moved us into a horizontal flip to check out the maneuverability of these new planes and that’s when we saw it.  The wings on our planes are perfect hexagons and they matched the shape of this wormhole perfectly.  Sure, the scale was much different but the area that makes people disappear into time travel was not a triangle at all.  It was a hexagon and that’s no bullshit.  We got out of there fast.  Chewy was freaking out that the hexagon portal would carry us into a dimension where he would have to meet up with his dead mother in law.  He hates that bitch.  Don’t know why, don’t care.”

Canadian officials immediately shared this information with the United States as part of their Share Everything Treaty.  A top aerospace bureaucrat did not seem too concerned.  “It just means that the Bermuda Triangle may be much larger than we originally thought.  We should be able to explain quite a few more missing persons reports and clean up our files a bit.  That’s a good thing.  As far as the Triangle, or Hexagon, we’ve long since taken the stance that we don’t mess with that shit.  There is something unexplainable and creepy about that entire area and it’s best just to leave it alone.  We’ve got bigger fish to fry, like Internet censorship and homeland security.”

Han and Chewy received a massive treasure and the rare Medal of Valor from the Canadian government.  They have, already, wasted it all on booze, women, and investments into Bain Capital that went bad.  It is still a mystery whether or not anyone will take this new information and actually rename the Triangle to the Bermuda Hexagon.  All good bets are on this information being buried into Area 51 files and never spoken about again.


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