Charleston, SC – President Obama has learned a thing or two about lack of action by previous administrations to natural disasters. With ‘biblical flooding’ predicted for the Carolinas, big government is not taking any chances. The United States government has sent 10,000 floating plastic balls to the East Coast to help potentially ravaged victims of the storm surge and flooding.
“We sent the floating balls out yesterday,” said President Obama in a prepared statement Friday. “We’ve learned from past storms that response time is critical. I said I would get rid of the red tape for our citizens. I basically told everyone to get the hell out of my way while I ship out these balls. You can do that sort of thing when you’re President. They went out via UPS so they should be there tomorrow if there are no further weather events that may delay delivery. I just hope that it will be some help to those that need it. Everyone will need to pull together to get through this.”
The high tech floating balls are reportedly made out of a synthetic military plastic that float for up to 2 weeks. There is a small doorway that allows 3 normal sized humans to enter the ball before they are sealed inside. There is no motor or rudder so individuals or families may end up floating out in the ocean for days, but they will be safe from drowning and contaminated water.
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley applauded the President’s response to this forthcoming disaster. “The people of South Carolina are going to be so thankful for those big floating balls. Many are looking for any piece of hope to latch onto and these folks are going to be overjoyed when they see those plastic balls in their mailboxes. This is not an easy situation for anyone but the floating balls are ingenious. Kudos to the Obama camp. It’s the first thing he’s done right in 7 years. About freaking time.”
The Red Cross had no comment other than saying, “We are busy trying to help people and have no further comment at this time.”
Donald Trump was gracious but pithy with his assessment of Obama’s actions. “The President has taken quick action which he should be commended for. Our prayers go out to those that are suffering. If I were President, I would have shipped at least 5,000 more balls. And I approve this message.”