Madison, WI – In a move that is believed to be an effort to swing attention away from slow job growth in Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker has passed a controversial bill that will make it illegal to pick your nose in the privacy of your own car. Walker has managed to get Iowa, Minnesota, Indiana, and Missouri on board with the passing of this law in their states as well. It is being deemed the ‘Booger Badger Law’ by the thousands in opposition to this groundbreaking piece of legislation.
“Walker thinks he’s got the upper hand on this one because no one will want to admit that they pick their nose in their car,” reasons protestor Sara Wiltcher. “Well, he’s underestimated us once again. We’ll be at the Capitol steps this weekend jamming our fingers up our noses. Whether we just end up flicking our boogers or eating them, that’s something the esteemed Governor will just have to be surprised by. What’s next? Is he going to take away our right to urinate in public after a few drinks? This madness has got to stop somewhere.”
Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. “I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into law until January 1, 2015. So the people have some time to clean up their acts before any jail time will be considered.”
The new law is a Class 3 felony which carries a hefty fine for the first offense. After three offenses, similar to the ’3 strikes you’re out’ laws, the offender will face trial with a maximum sentence of up to 10 years in jail. Lawmakers were able to cast this under the umbrella of ‘Intent to injure or contaminate with a deadly weapon.’ Penalties are less if you clearly eat your own booger because you are only harming yourself and exhibiting lewd behavior, which does not carry the same weight. If you flick your booger out your window or wipe it on your seat, that’s when you’re looking at some stiff consequences.
“Sure, we’re looking at irresponsible booger acts on the streets too,” continues Governor Walker. “We have to take this one step at a time. We’ve talked about boats, airplanes, and even those Amish buggy carts. Eventually, irresponsible nose picking will be a thing of the past but we’re starting with the car offenders. They think they are hidden. But they’re not. The diseases we should be able to stop from spreading with so many less boogers flying through the air will be phenomenal. You’ll see.”
Governor Walker is on a short list of Republican hopefuls being groomed for the Presidency in the coming years. If this booger thing works, it’s not a bad thing to put on the old resume. Not bad at all.