Washington – Several reporters who cover the Washington beat have noticed more and more often that Vice President Joe Biden will ‘drift off’ during important meetings and even during press conferences. There has been debate, behind the scenes, as to what might actually be happening when Biden closes his eyes for a period of time. Those with the best in mind believe the Vice President is channeling spirits and summoning the visceral core of himself to the surface. Still others believe that the 70 year old is taking cat naps after late night parties with a few biker gangs that he met on the campaign trail. Maybe he just prays a lot.
None of the hard hitting news reporters were able to conjure up enough balls to just ask him. “He gets red-faced angry,” said one anonymous news man. “When his hue starts to get purple, it’s a very frightening thing. I’m just trying to do my job and support my family.” Biden caught wind of the rumors and gossip and addressed the subject with the thought provoking eloquence he has become known for.
My esteemed friends and media professionals,
I wanted to take just a moment to address some tiresome rumors that are apparently circulating amongst this group. Let me be clear that I opened my statement to you by calling you ‘media professionals.’ It is something to be proud of but none of you are the Vice President nor will you ever be. What I am about to share with you will make that statement very important for you to remember. I am a loyal servant to my Roman Catholic roots. There are times, wherever I may be, that I close my eyes in deference to my God. As some of you may be aware, when you bow your head and close your eyes to pray there are a few things that can happen. You reach the light and open your eyes rejuvenated after being touched by that light. Other times, there is darkness. There is an evil darkness that wants to pull you further into the shadows. I’m told it can bring about sleep and even paralysis. So am I sleeping? Am I praying? Am I doing both? Only God can truly answer that question. And that brings me back to my first point. There is a hierarchy here that you all need to bear in mind. God first, Vice President second, and you third. Question my motives and you are questioning God. Choose if you will to go down that path but I would not recommend it. I am the Vice President so I can walk this dangerous line between sleep and prayer. Between light and dark. You cannot do this. You should not attempt this. And for the love of God himself, do not let your children try this at home, school, church, or any other sacred venue. Thank you and there will be no questions taken at this time.
One very concerned reporter did get the nerve to approach President Obama to get his thoughts on Vice President Biden’s views and practices. Obama put his arm around this reporter and said, “That guy is just awesome, isn’t he? A one of a kind.”