Hungover Cat Thinks He May Have Been Date Raped

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August 11, 2014 • Dumbass of the Week, Events, Features, Health, Life, Worthy News

New Castle, PA – Larry the cat, a 6 year old mixed breed, woke up this morning feeling like his litter box smells.  Shitty!

“What the hell happened last night?” Larry asked himself.  “I didn’t touch the catnip and only had a few beers.  But I feel worse than I do when the doctor shoves that pole up my ass to get a fecal sample.  I remember calling Fluffy and we got together with a group of friends.  And then nothing.  I can’t remember a thing.  My head is pounding and it would appear that my entire body has been shaved down to my wrinkled skin.  Oh, snap, I probably got date raped!  Fluffy’s little whore friends were probably trying to get me back for always calling them skanks and alley draggers.  Ok, now some of the pain I’m feeling in certain areas makes a little more sense.  Whew, I thought I may have had leukemia there for a minute.  But, oh, it’s still so disgusting.  I feel so violated.  No, I guess I really don’t.  I’m really just kind of curious to know how the whole thing turned out.  I hope I vomited or did something revolting while I was drugged to show those bitches.  Maybe I enjoyed it.  Who the hell knows.  I don’t really care.  I need coffee.”

As Larry will soon find out, he actually murdered and ate an entire family of birds last evening.  He allegedly ingested 3 eggs, 1 hatchling, as well as the mother and father.  It is believed that Larry did go out with some friends on a pub crawl and after several shots of tequila things got out of hand.  It is unknown how Larry’s entire body got shaved.  It was likely part of a drunken disguise plan he concocted.

Police are combing local neighborhoods but residents are not believing police when they say they are looking for a cat named Larry.  “We’ll get our man,” says Sergeant Powell.  “Or our cat, in this case.  We always do.”

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