On the tasty cookie continuum, there are three distinct points. Furthest to the right (best), we have your Girl Scout cookies or Oreos or Nutter Butters. Somewhere in the middle there are fortune cookies that you would get at any cheap Chinese restaurant. Furthest to the left are the piece of shit “cookies” that should not get the honor to be called cookies. Let’s discuss.
Health food stores are great. Really, they are. Give us your cool organic vegetables, purely squeezed mango juice, and stryofoam covered in caramel. People appreciate this and truly believe that it is making them more healthy. They also feel like they are somehow more environmentally friendly by shopping at your stores. We all know that none of that is really true but no one’s getting hurt by it. It’s a feel good story and that’s very understandable.
There is one variable to this trend that needs to be called out. Don’t take the time and don’t waste my money by printing the word “cookies” on a box that clearly are not cookies. Don’t get me wrong. It is impressive that you are able to compress sawdust and congeal it all with some strong (but healthy) chemical compound surrounded by 3 to 4 extremely small chocolate chips. That, however, is for a lab. Not my mouth. When you take a breath from your mouth 1/2 way through your “cookie” and dust pours out of your mouth so badly that you have to get the vacuum out, it’s not a fucking cookie. Ok? When your dog will not eat the crumbs off of the floor, it’s not a fucking cookie. Alright?
Why the hell are you health food stores selling “cookies” anyway? Real cookies are bad for you. They are bad ass. They are eaten by guys who would take a dump in your back yard on a dare. They are eaten by women who tell you that it’s that time of the month so go fuck yourself. Those are cookies.
We’re all for blinding as many people as possible to make them feel like they are doing good for their bodies and the environment, all in the name of profit. Good for you. But heed this advice: Don’t fuck with our cookies because real cookie lovers are people you really do not want to piss off.