God Damned Advice

July 10, 2014 • GDA

Today I went to the grocery store and bought a box of Quaker Chewy Dipps.  For those of you unaware of this product, it’s really a pretty ingenious concept.  Quaker uses the guise of granola and essentially wraps so much chocolate around and inside the granola that it’s nothing more than a candy bar.  It just sounds like a better thing to do, eating a ‘granola bar’ instead of a ‘candy bar.’  I do take issue with one major flaw and sincerely hope that the makers of this good feeling candy granola bar will make swift amends sooner than later.

You see, I was like a kid at Christmas, ready to tear into at least one of the 8 inch bars.  I decided in advance I may even eat two in one sitting.  To my dismay, I ripped open the wrapper to find a 5 inch candy granola bar.  What the hell?  This must be a packaging mistake, I thought to myself.  You know, like when you get fries at Burger King and an onion ring somehow makes it into the fry mix?  Yeah, so I ripped open another package and sure enough there was another 5 inch bar inside an 8 inch wrapper.  When it was all said and done, I had torn apart the entire box and all the wrappers.  I just looked, puzzled, at all of the 5 inch bars sitting on the kitchen table.  I wasn’t even hungry anymore.

How can we even consider missile strikes on Middle Eastern countries where we have no business when we have this type of injustice happening right here at home?  We Americans have not become stupid.  Just passive.  Protesters in the 1960′s would have never stood for this kind of swindling.  We need to rise up, MF’ers, and stop giant companies like Quaker from thinking this is ok.  No more of this bullshit.  No more 5 inch granola candy bars inside of an 8 inch wrapper.  No more bags of potato chips that are only 3/4 of the way full.  No fucking more of this.  We work hard and deserve better.

Your God Damned Advice, Quaker, is to start being honest with us.  Be a trailblazer and stop the madness of trying to fool MF’ers and all consumers. We may be much brighter than you give us credit for.  Me, for one, will not ever buy another such box of your Chewy Dipps until you look yourself in the mirror and make some significant changes.  I may steal a box or I may trick a friend into buying some and then eat them that way.  But hell will freeze over before I buy anything from you thieves until you return to being the honest American company that we used to love and trust.

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