Fucking Imbecile Keeps Pressing The Crosswalk Button Thinking It Will Change The Light Faster

June 30, 2014 • Dumbass of the Week, Events, Features, Life, Worthy News

Maricopa, AZ – “Ok, I admit it,” says local driver Bryan Mansfield.  “I fucking lost it on this guy.  It may have been the bad sushi I ate for lunch or that I’ve seen this happen one time too often.  I don’t know.  But I absolutely went apeshit on this poor bastard.  I’m rolling by this guy in my car going about 30 miles per hour.  There’s not another car within 8 blocks of me.  He’s obviously in a hurry to get somewhere as he’s frantically pushing the crosswalk button on the street light.  I slowed my vehicle to a crawl and tore into this poor fellow.  ‘Dude, are you fucking retarded?  Those buttons don’t work.  For once in your goddamn miserable life take a chance and cross the street when the sign says that you can’t.  Get in my car, retard.  I’ll even drive you from one side to the other to show you that it’s safe.  Wherever you are going, don’t even bother.  The people you’re going to see will figure out eventually what a pathetic imbecile you are.’  He threw a shameful glance in my direction and continued to press that button with even more urgency.  I sped off and cursed this man for the rest of the afternoon.  I’m not proud of my actions but honestly you have to be really stupid to think that those things work, right?”

The Arizona Department of Transportation confirms that the buttons affixed to street lights were developed as a hoax many years ago.  “This character you describe that yelled at a man for using the street light button should be ashamed of himself,” asserts Arizona DOT spokesman Octavious Wallace.  “This guy probably also told his kids that Santa Claus wasn’t real.  Or unicorns.  That makes me sick.  Sure, this whole street light button thing is a scam and a hoax put together by the government years and years ago.  Most people have figured out that the buttons do nothing but some still believe it is helping them accomplish their goal.  If you think it’s helping, in an odd sort of way it really is helping you.  Ignorance is pure bliss for many individuals in our society and this asshole just ruined another ignorant law abiding citizen.  What a shame.”

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, was asked by a beat reporter about the elaborate street light button hoax at a recent press conference.  He was curt with his response.  “Listen here, you jackass.  I’ve got gays protesting and trying to get married in my back yard.  Our foreign policy is a disaster and our infrastructure at home is crumbling as we speak.  We have to address all of this in between making sure President Obama gets enough time to play hoops.  And you have the nerve to ask me about buttons on street lights?  Next question please.”

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